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The third thing that broke was my heart 

(the most beautiful and sad (and true) thing D.R. ever said to me)

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I think about the boy who, like in a movie, I stared at across the aisle at my cashier job. Selling and packing groceries. He on my luckiest of days, working the till across from me. We did not speak. But he smiled at me. He was the reason I went to work- besides the fact that I needed the money to go back to school. We did not often get the same breaks, but sometimes at the end of a shift we'd push buggies in the parking lot together. In those grey hot thunderstormy nights. I was embarrassed to tell him I wasn't yet old enough to drink when he finally said a bunch if them were going to the bar after work. Then as luck would have it I was at the fair one night, late in the summer with some friends. I ran into him. We used our tickets to all go on a ride together. Pressed up against the wall of the ride it started to spin. As the momentum grew the pressure forced us back. The spinning made us laugh. I remember him smiling at me. We were both laughing. He reached out and grabbed my hand. Fingers interlocked we spun in the dark. Lights and music blared. We were clung to the wall. Our hands clung to each other. When the ride was over we went separate ways. When the summer was over we went separate ways. I remember the song that played that moment when we crossed paths and something spun out of our control. 

14 posts about love, lust, likes and longing

save me

I save things that I think are important. I save things with memories. I save things that are special. I save things for a rainy day. 

I had this bracelet, which I'd been saving. I bought it years ago when I got engaged, while in Japan. In Kyoto. I didn't get a ring at the time and so maybe that's why I hoarded it in a loving way and never wore it. Just saving and saving and saving it. And years went by, and he didn't love me and everything ended. And then I still didn't wear it. I couldn't wear it. 

It was beautiful and simple and funnily suits me much more now than it ever did before. 

I decided it was the New Years to wear it- it actually didn't really match the outfit that I chose but I had to wear it. For only the second time ever I put it on. It was 2013. I looked at it numerous times  throughout the night. I touched it. A touchstone. I thought about Japan. I thought about all the pain. I thought about what jewelry represents. To some. To me. I danced. I thought about people I loved. I was with someone I love. I drank. I laughed. It sparkled. I could almost see my reflection. I smiled. I was smiling. 

It was 2014. I reached out for something and my wrist was naked. There was nothing there. It was gone. The past was gone. I'm standing there with nothing and everything all at once. 

Portland, post

An escape. A vacation. A shopping trip. I time to reconnect. New home base. New friends. New Years. 

JeldWen stadium. Food carts. Lobby art. East side. Americana. Bacon Caesar brunch. Rose garden. Jaunts. 

Coastal Christmas

Christmas on the coast was different, but beautiful in its own way. It was nice to see my family, and be together but I'm still the only one shedding a tear about PG. I missed the snow, and seeing all my friends and getting to the usual spots. I'm  glad to see my parents getting settled. 

merry christmas