love

I couldn't decide if this post should be called wanting to love love or trying to love love. Perhaps a bit of both. 

I am in a place where I have moments equal of repulsion and wistful feelings towards love. I shudder when I see or read someone's social media and talk talk talk about their husband. However, this is currently upstaged by longing for a good old fashioned highschool-esk make out session with a crush. Sigh. 

Somewhere in this, recently I am drawn to hearts. Big, over the top, neon, shout it from the roof top traditional hearts as the epitome of a symbol of love. I have not wanted a single heart anything probably since I was 10. I'm confused by this recent resurgence in my own heart, for hearts. I ask myself: are hearts the new polka dot?

I want to love love. I really do. And as I embrace these images and items I've decided my rational is that if I am surrounded by these tokens, and reminders, and strive towards the love that is what it should be. To me. 

In the meantime I love the retail therapy

And quite possibly the best visual solution ever to my love/hate/love feelings- a bag that allows me to embrace both- same time. I present the double sided heart tote: In red for the traditional optimist, and then reverse for the days that I live with my black, black, black, black heart.

barter

You have no idea how many times I bartered away everything to the powers that be so that I could have you. All my possessions. All my riches. My life. All my love. I asked time and time again, but my wager was never enough. I offered up my very soul, to which I was granted a small token- that I might only have a glimpse of you from time to time. It was more than I could have hoped for and yet something so difficult I could hardly bear. But I willingly settled upon that, so that I had something of you.

"If you look closely, you can actually pinpoint the exact moment her heart breaks in two" 

Bart Simpson 

Queen Victoria. Her comment on her attempted assignation 7 times, and one physical attack with weapon- in regards to the outpouring of loyalty after 

"(its) Worth being shot at- to see how much one is loved"

So all the cups got broke
Shards beneath our feet
But it wasn't my fault
And everyone's competing
For a love they won't receive
Cause what this palace wants is release

Lorde, Team

1

On a winter day when the windows in the school halls were coated in condensation and frost, the cheeky bad boy from my computer class, who flirted relentlessly with all the girls, did something no one else had ever thought to do. He dared me to kiss him. In that hallway. In a rare moment of laissez-faire confidence I leaned over, and did. 

2

I made you a sign with your name on it. I have also bought you a bouquet of my favorite flowers. When I finally see you scanning the crowd I weave toward you. When you see me, you drop your bag right there on the floor, inadvertently blocking others as they arrive. Just so that you can put your arms around me. The next day I wear freesias in my hair.